When You Invade an Invader
by GuiltyGearGirl
Summary: It was supposed to be their secret... and that worked out just fine... for about three months. ZaDr, one-sided... or is it? Other pairings included.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: OOCness plagues this fic.  
I do not own IZ.. it belongs to the almighty, ill-proned, Jhonen Vasquez.

* * *

It was supposed to be their secret. It only happened once… they went right back to their rivalry, never to speak of it again… and that worked out just fine.

For about three months.

"Something's wrong with Zim," Dib whispered to his sister. He knew she wasn't listening, she didn't even pretend to care. "It's not even lunch time yet and he looks wicked sick."

Always finding amusement in watching others suffer, Gaz had to look. Sure enough, Zim was leaning over his desk, moaning softly and looking paler than usual. She smirked and began to comment, but Mr. Elliot came into the room.

"There you are little missy!" the flamboyant teacher exclaimed. "Look I know you love spending time with your big brother and all but you gotta get your butt to class before I mark you absent again!"

Gaz scoffed. "Never worked before."

Mr. Elliot nodded thoughtfully. "You know, you're right. No matter what I put in the computer against you it never shows up. All the good stuff works though, I just don't get it."

Dib smiled as they left the room, then made a mental note to check the system later and see if there were any absences in need of erasing.

The sound of vomiting drew Dib's attention back to the corner of the room. Mr. Elliot came running back, frantically asking if everyone was alright. Dib pointed to the scene, which the adult had somehow overlooked, and the blonde shrieked.

"You poor thing! You're so… green!" he reached down to touch Zim, but the Irken smacked his hands away with a hiss.

"Get your filthy earthenoid hands off of me!" he growled, though with less zest than usual. "Zim is in no need of assis…"

The rest of the word was replaced with more vomit, some of which splashed onto the teacher's sweater vest. Mr. Elliot shuddered and was about to try again, when Ms. Bitters entered the room.

"Zim!" she demanded.

"Y…yes, sir," the Irken replied meekly.

"Clean up this mess."

"Right away…" Zim attempted to stand, and puked a third time. Mr. Elliot scoffed and turned to Ms. Bitters.

"You can't make this child do laborious tasks," he scolded. "He obviously needs medical…"

"Get out of my classroom!"

With that the male teacher was gone. He felt for the green kid, but feared for his life. Zim, seemingly well enough to function, removed a sponge from his Pak and began to clean his mess.

Something is very wrong with him… Dib thought, then bit his lip. No… he couldn't let those feelings return. He was not feeling compassion for the alien. He was feeling… he was feeling…


	2. Chapter 2

"You're worried, aren't you?"

"Zim!" Dib jumped. He had watched the alien leave the classroom at the sound of the bell, but hadn't expected him to wait outside the door. He cleared his throat so his voice wouldn't falter. "What am I worried about?"

"My illness," the Irken said plainly. He wanted to smirk, but he was still feeling kind of weak. "I mean you should be… after all if something happens to me, what will you do with yourself? No more solid proof of the supernatural… no more interaction with it on a daily basis… no more…"

"Driving myself insane trying to stop a half-wit alien from conquering the human race? Effortlessly sabotaging increasingly pathetic plans? Wasting my days away thinking of you when I could be moving on to more productive research?"

"So you waste your days thinking of me?"

Dib blushed. He couldn't help it. The words… and the sly tone in which they'd been spoken. "That's not what I meant and you know it…"

"I know nothing, Dib… but I fear this illness of mine has something to do with you," he gritted his teeth in pain, looked away, and added softly, "I need your help."

It was Dib's turn to be sly. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

"I need your help…" Zim said in the same weakened tone, feeling himself blush.

"One more time, I couldn't hear…"

"I need your help!" Zim hissed, loud enough to not have to repeat it again, but quiet enough that some ounce of his dignity remained. Dib crossed his arms and smirked.

"And I should help you, why?"

"If my theory is correct, you'll know why."

The look on his face, the sound of his voice… the alien was making the human very nervous.

"And if it's not…?"

"Then I'll have to continue the research on my own to find out what's causing my superior Irken body to do such revolting things."

It just wasn't the same when he said it without passion… or any other emotion whatsoever. It was so… unlike him. Dib felt himself nodding before he could stop it. What harm could it do?

"Okay, I'll help you," what are you doing? "But… we do it at my house."

Zim opened his mouth to protest then realized he was in no real position to. He closed his mouth and looked away so as to avoid admitting defeat. "Can we do it tonight?"

"My dad has a seminar…"

"Tomorrow then. Will your sister be home?"

Dib got very defensive, "what do you want with my sister?"

"You'll see," Zim said, peeling himself from the wall and leaning in close to Dib. "Soon enough."

Dib felt his cheeks burning and his lips tingling. His mouth was dry and he swallowed in an effort to cure it. He regulated his breathing and mentally scolded himself. Don't let him have this effect on you! He's an alien… an alien!

Suddenly, Dib was being pushed out of the way. Lunch period was over? But, they hadn't been talking that long… had he been standing there the whole time? Just standing there looking stupid, and thinking about HIM? Where had he gone, anyway…


	3. Chapter 3

Why are you here?

Go home.

Turn around… right now… and go home.

Dib walked carefully around the outer perimeter of Zim's front lawn. He knew almost every step to take to avoid being seen by the gnomes… and he should, shouldn't he? He'd snuck over so many times now that…

No, of course he hadn't. Those were just dreams. Bad dreams. If he really snuck over in the middle of the night, it would be to infiltrate the base for science, not learn which rooms Zim spent the most time in. To spy on the alien's progress… not stalk him in hopes that maybe he'd pick that night to sleep because he just looked so vulnerable and innocent. To get information about Irk and the Armada… not find out which foods his sensitive stomach could handle and then make them just in case his enemy paid a home visit. Because that's what he was… the enemy. He was the enemy and he needed to be …

Not liking some of the words his mind chose to finish that sentence with, Dib shook his head rapidly and tried to focus on the matter at hand. Zim had left school after their talk. He didn't know why, he didn't know how, but Zim had left. Maybe the illness was a distraction… an excuse… so he could stay home for a few days and work on some new evil plan. Of course! That's all.

But even Zim couldn't make himself as sick as he appeared… could he? And why go through such elaboration as to diminish his everyday personality? Zim always slipped up when he was up to no good, but there was nothing unconvincing about his illness.

It's not like it even came out of nowhere. The Irken had seemed distracted for a while now. His movements were sluggish… like he was tired… even though Irkens didn't technically need to sleep. Maybe… was he… giving up?

No, that's just absurd. Focus, Dib. You're not going to figure anything out by standing at the window. It's open. The living room is empty. Just go in.

He had half a mind to use the front door, but there were no signs of the house having acknowledged his presence yet. Without another thought, he boosted himself up through the window and tumbled onto the living room floor. He looked around, reached for his camera, then froze when he heard voices coming from beneath the kitchen. Zim was coming up from one of his labs… and Dib was out in the open. He ran to the closet by the door, nearly getting run over by RoboDad when he opened it. The robot went straight to the front door, opened it, and greeted the empty space, "Welcome home, son!"

Panicking, Dib dove under the couch. Once there, he debated if he could have run out the front door, but hearing Zim enter the living room he knew he would have been caught.

"RoboDad!" the alien demanded. The robot stood up straight and turned to face him.

"Don't raise your voice at me like that, young man!"

"You're not even my real father!" Zim snapped. "Oh, this is stupid. Gir! Where's the RoboParent Remote Control?"

"I dunno," the little robot replied with a shrug, then grinned. "I wanna make cupcakes!"

Zim sighed as he watched his sidekick scuttle into the kitchen. What was the point to his obsession with cooking? "I'm beginning to wonder if this 'superior' SIR Unit was actually a prototype and that's why it malfunctions so often," the alien mused to himself, looking around for the remote. The tall robot had retreated to the corner by his closet after Zim's last comment, but who knew when it would act up again. He returned to his thoughts of Gir, checking every inch of the living room. "Maybe they programmed it too well… it is supposed to appear stupid and unthreatening to the enemy, but for some reason it has trouble recognizing when to stop! Yes, that's all. I should have thought of that sooner. I'll give the Tallest a call about that later."


	4. Chapter 4

He dropped to his knees and looked under the couch. There it was… along with an old pizza box, a stuffed piggy, a spilled chocolate bubblegum shake, various dust bunnies, a water gun, and Dib.

"Intruder!" Zim shrieked, grabbing the remote and jumping back. "Security! Intruder alert!"

The alien turned the two small joysticks on the remote, navigating the RoboParents to the couch. He pressed a button, making RoboMom lift the couch, and twirled a joystick, making RoboDad clasp his claw around the boy's body. Zim smirked and the human struggled to get free.

"I would have had RoboDad pick you up by the head, Dib, but it would probably be too big for him to hold."

Dib glared at the alien, yet couldn't help but notice his usual arrogance wasn't all there.

"If you still want my help tomorrow, I suggest you put me down now, Zim."

Zim's antennae fell back. "Foolish dirt child! You dare threaten Zim?!"

With a flick of the wrist, Dib was slammed to the floor, and RoboMom slammed a bottomless cage over him, hard enough that it stuck into the floor, preventing escape from all sides and above. To make matters worse, the cage was very, very small. Dib growled.

"I came over here to help you, Zim. Whatever's wrong with you was enough for you to leave school today, so I figured you're either really sick, or up to something really bad."

"You'd be right on both accounts, earth monkey. But did you not tell Zim your father had some arrangement this afternoon which prevented you from assisting me?"

Dib grit his teeth. "I said he had a seminar. I never said I had to attend."

"You did say we would have to conduct my experiments at your home, however… and it would be more beneficial to me to have access to the female."

"What sick experiments are you planning to conduct, Zim?!"

"Silence! It's not of importance now. I need to have a conversation with my Tallest at some point to find out if my suspicions are even possible!"

Suddenly, Dib realized what had Zim so worried. But… was it possible? It couldn't be! Irkens didn't have…

"Zim…" Dib swallowed hard, made more nervous by the look the alien gave him. "How long ago did we…"

The alien looked confused, then curious, then horrified. "So you think so, too! I knew it! I knew nothing good could have come from that night! I had a bad feeling from the start. Dib, we have to do something about this. Isn't there a way to…"

"Woah, slow down, Zim… we don't even know if that's what it is yet…"

"Zim has only been sick one other time, Dib-worm," he was careful not to call the human by just his name again… there was only one other time he did that, too… "and that was because of Gir's peanut and soap infested waffles. Zim has not eaten those waffles since! I have done research online about this and have experienced nearly all the symptoms… I've even put on weight, and I almost never eat! Besides, the Irken diet consists of snacks and nothing more, so we have what would be the equivalent of a high metabolism in any human. This is why I need your sister, Dib. I must experiment on her and find what similarities my body has to that of a female."

"But Zim, humans our age aren't typically capable of reproducing yet. Her body won't be developed enough for you to discover anything."

"If you did this to me, it's quite obvious you're not a typical human child."

"I'm also older than her…"

"Not by much."

"Well were do children come from on your planet, Zim? You must know something about that."

"We're created in test tubes," Zim said conclusively.

"From what?"

The alien raised a finger and opened his mouth to respond, then drew back slowly. "I don't know the answer to that."

"Call your leaders. I'm sure they know."

"Ha! …and what if they ask why I wish to know this now, Dib-worm?"

"What were you going to tell them when you asked if you're capable of having children with another race at all?"

Zim scoffed… but he didn't have an answer for that either. Using the television as a transmitter, he called the massive.


	5. Chapter 5

"Sir, we have an incoming transmission from Earth."

"Oh, no," Red groaned "Zim…"

"What does he want now?" Purple questioned irritably.

"I don't know but if we don't answer then he'll get all worked up," Red replied. The image came up on screen and Zim saluted.

"Greetings, my Tallest. I have an important question to ask of you…"

"Have you lost color, Zim?" Red asked.

"And what's with the boy in the cage?" Purple pointed.

"Oh, he's seen me without my disguise before. It's okay, nobody believes him."

"Just ask them the question, Zim," Dib glared.

"Yes, right," Zim cleared his throat. "As you pointed out, my Tallest, I have not been my healthiest as of late, but in order to conclude the source of my illness, I have a few questions to ask."

"You haven't been eating human food, have you?" Purple asked. "I've heard it's gross."

"Revolting," Zim replied, "and no, I've been surviving on fasting and the occasional Irken snack."

"You're still a kid, Zim," Red replied. "I know Irkens don't have to eat but being so far away from home you really should take better care of yourself."

Purple glanced at Red suspiciously. Zim could be blown to bits or have his brain eaten by a parasite and they never showed an ounce of compassion. Doing so now over a little illness was…

"Yeah, about that kid thing," Zim cleared his throat again. "Where do Irken smeets come from?"

Purple spit out the drink he'd been sipping and coughed, "Zim, you know that!"

"Well I know they form in test tubes and then when the vessel is ready the Pak is fused to its back and it goes from there. But… where do the vessels come from, and how is personality determined in the creation of the Pak?"

"Every Pak is programmed with basic survival information and data needed in order to survive," Purple replied. "Blank learning and personality chips are inserted and store data depending on what the smeet encounters during its first few hours of life."

"As for the vessels…" Red began, but Purple cleared his throat loudly.

"What does this information potentially have to do with your illness, Zim?"

Red glanced at Purple, a little annoyed, but knew he meant well and silently awaited the young Irken's reply. Zim ran a finger over the collar of his shirt, looking to the side and blushing lightly. Dib reached for the remote in the alien's hand, managing to graze his fingers on its edge but nothing more.

Red began, "Zim, we have other matters to…"

"Are Irkens capable of carrying or otherwise producing young in any physical manner?" Zim blurted out. His eyes widened and his antennae fell flat. "Forgive me for the interruption, my Tallest."

The Tallest were stunned. Not because of his rudeness, no, they were used to that. It was the question itself that took them by surprise. Purple started, "we… don't know the answer to that, Zim…"

Red put a hand on his shoulder and looked down. "He must have a reason for asking…" he looked at Purple, "we have to tell him the truth."

"But what about…"

"Yes, Zim," Red cut Purple off mid-sentence. "Irken males and females are capable of carrying their own young. We don't typically opt to do things that way because it creates an emotional bond and our people are supposed to be hardened invaders and occasionally warriors. Because it happens so rarely, however, the Armada has a rule against invaders that produce young in this manner."

"My Tallest…" Zim felt fear and rage swirling within him, and dropped the remote during this distraction. Dib reached for it quickly but it bounced just out of his reach. He cursed under his breath and the RoboParents took off into the kitchen. Gir came skipping into the living room with a plate of cupcakes, and Dib tried to quietly gain the little robot's attention. Meanwhile, Zim was asking, "what is this rule?"

"Well, Zim," Purple said gravely, "the invader has to choose between its child and the Armada."

"You mean kill it or be banished forever?!" Zim shrieked. He noticed Gir reaching for the remote and snatched it up. "Gir, don't touch that!" his antennae shot up. "My Tallest, about my SIR unit, is it possible you programmed it to appear _too_ unthreatening and those commands are overriding its ability to recognize its master and the commands given to it?"

"Well, uh," Red shrugged, "it was the first of its kind."

"I knew it. Could I maybe be sent a replacement, then?"

"Zim," Purple reminded. "you just made it obvious that you may be carrying some human's child."

Red shuddered, "he's right, Zim. If that is the case, are you hardened enough to allow the child to be destroyed along with the rest of the planet?"

Zim blushed deeply. "Of course I am!"

Dib's face dropped. "Zim!"

All three aliens looked surprised and Zim spun around. "Hush, earth monkey!"

"Zim…" Red said with mixed emotions. "Is this the human responsible for your condition?"

Zim spun around again. "No! I mean… maybe… I mean… I don't know…"

"How many humans have you slept with?!" Red spat. Purple shook his head. At this rate…

"Two!" Zim returned sharply, then dropped the remote again and slapped his hands over his mouth.


	6. Chapter 6

"Two?!" Red, Purple, and Dib exclaimed.

"Who else have you been with?!" Dib demanded, then blushed and sat back in his cage. "I mean, it's not like I care or anything… but if there's a chance the kid isn't mine…"

"There's no chance, Dib-worm," Zim kicked the control away from the cage. "It was Zita, and…"

"Zita?!"

"Yes, Zita."

"When?!"

"Shortly after Halloween last year. She just looked so cute in that alien costume I couldn't help but tell her the next day… then she said she always thought I was cute but couldn't tell me because if the other kids found out it would ruin her social life. I told her I understood but she …"

Purple cleared his throat, demanding attention once more. "You two can talk about this later."

"My Tallest," Zim bowed in respect. "I have received all the answers I need for now. I'll get in touch with you as soon as I know the status of my condition, sooner if need be. Invader Zim, signing off."

Dib was seething, and Zim could tell. It was one of the things that kept him from removing the cage just yet. "Was that the only time you were with her?"

"It was the only time we did that," Zim replied. "She wanted to continue seeing me in secret but I refused to do anything physical with her again."

"Why?"

"Why? Not that it's any of your business, but I didn't like it. It felt weird and… wrong."

"Is that why you guys broke it off?"

"No. I told her it made Zim very uncomfortable and she said she understood, it probably wasn't something we should be doing."

"So what ended it?"

"Nothing."

"…what?"

"Nothing. I'm still seeing her. She wasn't in school today because she's visiting relatives, but I called her when I got home to tell her I left school early due to my illness and would probably spend the rest of the day resting."

Dib was shocked, and even angrier now. "So you were in this relationship when we were together that night!"

"That's right."

"That means you cheated on her."

"Zim knows this, but Zita had made Zim very angry and they were not talking that weekend."

"How convenient. What if I had come on to you at a different time?"

"…I don't know what I would have done, Dib-worm."

There was silence, then shyly, "did it feel weird with me?"

Zim looked surprised, then blushed but smirked as well, "no."

Dib sat up a little. "Really?" Zim nodded slowly. Dib sunk down again. "Did you mean what you said… to your leaders… about destroying your child so you wouldn't be banished?"

"Of course. Zim has no care for humans and does not wish to be known as the invader who failed his mission for mating with a native inhabitant of the planet he was assigned to conquer."

"So are you getting an abortion?"

"Huh?"

"An abortion… it's an expensive and controversial procedure in which doctors prevent further growth of a fetus and… come to think of it, you're probably too far along to get one done legally."

"Zim does not wish to have others knowing of this condition! Besides, do I not possess male features, and aren't human males incapable of carrying young?"

"Good point… but if you don't abort it now, others are bound to find out."

"Not necessarily… I carry for the gestation period, attribute my growing belly to weight gain, pass the young, and leave it die." Zim paused, then added thoughtfully, "how long will I carry?"

"Human mothers carry for nine months."

"The growth period of an Irken vessel is typically around nine weeks."

"So if the child is half human, half Irken, it should take around five and a half months to develop."

"What about it's life force? Everything about an Irken is in their Pak, we basically ARE the Pak, and just use a vessel to function and communicate."

"Whereas humans have blood and organs… but you have an organ, don't you?"

"My squeedlyspooch… and my brain."

"And you can feel pain… so your Pak must be mostly your personality, and works like human blood, I guess."

"So our child will be born with a blood-filled Pak and deformed organs. Wonderful."

"What do you care?" Dib spoke in a low voice, "you're just going to let it die."


	7. Chapter 7

Zim sighed and rubbed his stomach. "Do you have a better plan?"

Dib suddenly comprehended the change in shape of the Irken's body. It made sense… if their calculations were right, the gestation was more than half completed. How had he missed that before?

Zim gave the boy a curious look, then shrugged. "Exactly."

Dib leaned against the bars of the cage, reaching toward the alien, longing to touch him. "How is it supposed to get out of you?"

For whatever reason, Zim stepped forward and allowed the human to rest a hand on his stomach. "I dunno. I was hoping it could figure that out itself."

"Not likely," Dib stroked the small bump affectionately, then blushed and sat back in his cage. Zim's antennae fell slowly, and he retrieved the remote.

"If I free you… promise not to run?"

This wasn't good. They couldn't get attached. They both knew it, but…

Dib nodded slowly, and meant it. "I promise."

Zim felt himself smile. It disgusted him. Nothing good could come from this. He was only pretending now… to lure the human into a false sense of security… dump the child on him… and go on with his mission… but he had been doing a data scan in his Pak since the Tallest mentioned the rule. Every Irken in this situation had relinquished their child, succeeded in their mission, and committed suicide during or shortly after the organic sweep of the planet they'd conquered. Irkens were not meant to feel, and when they did, it killed them. Zim wanted to prove that he was different… he was stronger than the others… but was he?

"…Zim?"

The alien shook his head rapidly, and continued without an apology. He navigated the RoboParents into the living room and commanded them to lift the cage. Once Dib was free, Zim sent the RoboParents back to their respective closets, and stuck the remote under the couch. He looked to the far corner of the room where Gir had fallen asleep after eating all but one cupcake. Noticing the wrapper had the Irken logo on it, Zim approached the cupcake and snatched it without waking his minion. After stretching, Dib had taken a seat on the couch. Zim joined him… so to speak… actually he sat on the other end and turned the cupcake in his hand. It was yellow cake with pink frosting and tiny colored candies. Not really wanting it, Zim silently offered the cupcake to his rival. Dib didn't want it either, but he used it as an excuse to move closer. He pushed the Irken's hand gently.

"You really should eat."

Zim huffed and tossed the cupcake on the floor. He crossed his arms and leaned back, then moaned softly and lowered his hands to his stomach. Dib swallowed nervously, inching closer to the alien still. He placed a hand on the alien's cheek, wincing at both the way it felt and the sting of the look he received for doing so. He retracted his hand as he was scolded, "who said you could touch Zim's face?"

"Your… skin is clammy…" Dib said slowly. "It wasn't like that when we…"

"Of course it is, I'm sick," Zim scoffed, rubbing his cheek with his gloved hand. "You know for the son of a scientist you aren't that bright sometimes."

"I'm a paranormal investigator, not a doctor," Dib said defensively. "I think you're suffering malnutrition. The child is absorbing everything it can from you to survive but you don't give it anything to absorb. That's why it's so small even at this stage of development."

"Small?!" Zim shrieked. "No smeet of Zim is going to be small!"

Dib smirked. "I should have known when I found out your leaders were chosen for their height… size is an important thing to your people, isn't it, Zim?"


	8. Chapter 8

"Very important…" Zim found himself admitting easily, "it determines our social hierarchy."

"Oh, but why do you care what size your child is? It's not going to live anyway so wouldn't you rather it be small for an easy birthing process? Whatever that may be…"

The last part was said under the human's breath, but both males shuddered at the thought. Zim then hugged his stomach defensively. "You're right. The more pathetic and defenseless it is, the easier it will be to dispose of."

"So this isn't easy for you."

"Of course it is easy for Zim! This thing is causing too many problems already, and is going to be disgusting, deformed, and useless. Besides, it is half YOU, and Zim does not need the humans questioning why I possess a child that is clearly some combination of our DNA."

"You could attribute it to an experiment gone wrong."

"Are you making excuses to keep it alive, Dib-worm?"

"Well, I don't know. I never understood how anyone could destroy something without even giving it a chance to live… and since the child is half mine I've already become sort of attached to it."

"Then you keep it for all I care. Then it can live at least until I conquer this filthy planet and fire the first cannon of the organic sweep directly onto your massive head."

Dib laid on Zim's stomach and closed his eyes tightly, clenching the alien's shirt in his hands. What did you expect? The alien is heartless. This child means nothing to him, and everything to you…

"Are you crying, earth monkey?" was that compassion in his voice? Irritation, mostly… but he could have sworn there was a hint of compassion. Dib took in a sharp breath, held it, and wiped his eyes.

"No… I'm just tired."

"Go home then," Zim sat up. "You're not sleeping here."

Dib's head was pushed off the Irken's stomach during the change of position, and the human blushed when he realized where he was moved to. He wanted to sit up, but at the same time, he didn't want to move. Zim growled, and Dib opted to sit up but move closer to the alien, one arm across his back and the other on his stomach. "Zim…" he moved the second hand slowly in a circle and looked into the creature's eyes. This was so wrong, why did it keep happening? He leaned in slowly, "do you think we could… maybe…"

Zim shoved the human off and lifted himself up using the spider-like appendages in his Pak. "I think we've done enough!"

Dib glared up at the alien, but was angrier with himself. He should have known better… he did this to himself.

The sting of rejection was almost too much to handle for Dib, and he would have left without a word if not for one thing. As he struggled to stand, physically injured after being so carelessly tossed aside, he noticed a figure in the distance… a figure approaching the base, and the front door was still wide open.

"I'm sparing you dearly, Dib-worm," Zim said gravely, lowering himself to the floor and retracting his spider-like appendages. "Now get out of my base before I take drastic measures."

Dib was trembling from a combination of the physical and emotional struggle, but before any more could happen the security system announced, "proximity warning… someone is approaching the house and the front door is ajar."

Zim shrieked and slammed the door shut. "I don't have time to put on my disguise!"

Dib laughed softly. "Looks like you're in trouble, Zim. I'll be going now…"

Zim growled but knew he had no choice. Well, there was Gir and the RoboParents but putting trust in any of them usually resulted in disaster. "Have it your way, Dib. Help Zim now and he will give you something in return later… maybe…"

Dib caught the last word though Zim did his best to conceal it. Still, he'd take it. He nodded and Zim took off into the kitchen. There was a soft knock at the door, then it opened before Dib could get to it.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: I got a review, and two people favourited! I'm psyched. I hope I can continue to entertain

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"Zim? Gir? I'm coming in…" her voice stung him, and he saw her before she saw him. "I know you hate when I come over, Zimmy, but I just…" she gasped. "Dib?"

"Zita," Dib did his best to sound surprised.

They asked in unison, "what are you doing here?"

Zita cleared her throat. "Well, Zim left school early today, and I…"

"You weren't even there," Dib said plainly. She recoiled as one does when caught in a lie.

"Oh… you noticed?" she smiled a little.

"Not really," another monotone reply. She seemed offended. He smirked. "Zim told me."

"I thought you hated him," she said with obvious annoyance.

"Most of the time," Dib tried not to show that he enjoyed her frustration. "I also sympathize him, though. He's almost as hated as me, only he doesn't get it…"

"He gets it," Zita said defensively, "he just doesn't care what anyone else thinks as long as they aren't trying to say he's from outer space or something."

Dib frowned. He couldn't tell if that was a mere comment or a personal attack. What's taking Zim so long? "Either way I just didn't like what I saw today, and I know he's too proud to admit something's wrong, much less ask for help."

"If he was as sick as he said he was then I think he's willing to admit to a problem this time," Zita walked over and picked up the cupcake, placing it on the table and pulling a cloth from the bag she was carrying. As she cleaned up the frosting on the floor, she added, "and he must have told someone to get released early - there's no way Ms. Bitters just allowed him to leave."

"You're telling me," Dib shut the front door, watching Zita carefully. "I watched her force him to clean up the mess he'd made."

"She sure is terrible," the girl's voice had a way of… squeaking… that annoyed the boy very much. He held his breath lightly, however. Picking a fight with her could cause all sorts of trouble. He glanced to the kitchen and smiled softly. Noticing this, Zita turned and her eyes lit up, "Zimmy!"

"Zi… ugh!" Zim hardly had time to speak before the girl had latched onto him. He moaned softly, feeling very dizzy. He gripped her shoulders and pulled from her, "you need to be careful."

"Oh!" she gasped, "forgive me, Zimmy… I didn't mean to… here!" she presented the bag to him. He looked at it curiously, then glanced at Dib who only shrugged. Zita pouted, and Zim sighed.

"Thank you, but… why are you here? You're supposed to be with your…"

"I was thinking about you the whole time," she whispered, "and after you called me I just couldn't take it anymore… I knew I had to come back here and see you. I even brought stuff to take care of you…"

Zim looked in the bag. A thermometer, washcloths, medicines… he gazed curiously at the item in the bottom of the bag. A white cloth of some sort, with a red symbol on it. "What is that…?"

Zita blushed and glanced back at Dib, then nudged Zim gently into the kitchen. Dib sighed and walked over to the TV. Once the girl was sure they were out of sight, she smiled, still blushing, and pulled the item out of the bag. "It's a nurse's outfit," she said softly, holding it in front of her body.

Zim smirked and moved closer to her, resting a hand on her cheek. "You know I love when you dress up for me," he whispered, slowly forcing her to back up against the wall.

"Well… yeah," she made no effort to resist him. "I thought…"

"Shh…" he slipped an arm around her waist and moved the hand on her face to the back of her head. He leaned in as if to kiss her, stopping less than a centimeter from her lips.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Sorry for short chapters.. it takes so long to write then I realize it's like less than 700 words T.T;  
P.S. I'm up to four reviews! I know it doesnt seem like a lot with this being my tenth chapter but the chapters are short and I uploaded the first eight or so like right away. I guess you're supposed to wait and keep people in suspense.. but my writing style makes it so like every three chapters is the length of a single chapter in most fics (at least the ones I've read)  
BTW, I don't know if I've done any disclaimer thingies up to this point but IZ does not belong to me, I own nothing in this fic except the plot.  
One more thing, I guess eats links or something so I won't try to put one in but if you get around to it, read In Short Supply by ckret2. It's 23 fairly long chapters (so far) and has over 200 reviews.. but I think it's really good. A couple ideas from CH11 on may or may not have been inspired by that story.  
Okay, enough rambling.. on with the rediculously short chapter.

* * *

He paused a moment, then pulled away, leaving her disappointed and confused. He licked his lips and swallowed. "Zim is sick… he should not threaten Zita with his illness."

She smiled sadly. Unfortunately, he was right. "It's okay, Zimmy," she hugged him, then noticed his change in shape. "Have you been gaining weight?"

His eyes widened. "Yes! Oh… yes… I forgot to tell you… I should be back to normal in about three months, though."

"Three months?! What makes you say that?"

"Well it's not easy to get your body back after…"

"MY COUCH!" Gir screamed from the other room. There was a crash and the sound of Dib screaming. Zim growled and ran to the living room.

"What is going on in here?!" the alien demanded.

"Master! The big-head boy was sleeping on my couch!" Gir whined.

"Yeah and then your stupid robot-dog thing attacked me!" Dib complained.

"Robot dog?" Zita asked, joining Zim in observing the scene.

Zim growled again, then turned to his girlfriend. "I've told you about Gir before."

"Yeah but you never mentioned he was a robot."

"That's because… Zim once had a real pet dog," the alien lied. "But it got… ran over… by an ice cream truck!"

"An ice cream truck?!" Zita seemed horrified.

"ICE CREAM!" Gir announced, running to the door.

"No, Gir!" Zim demanded. "No ice cream for you!"

"Aww…" the little robot groaned, "but why?"

"You did something bad," Zim couldn't believe what he was saying. "You can go get ice cream after you apologize to the Dib-monkey."

Gir's eye twitched, and he pulled his hood off. "Master, I thought Dib was the enemy?"

Zim emitted a noise that portrayed mostly shock and irritation. Why, of all times, did Gir choose NOW to comprehend that?

"Zim," Zita said apprehensively, "maybe I should go…"

"W-wait!" Zim grabbed the girl's arm as she began to walk away. "Don't go…"

"Zim…"

"It's too much to have us all here at once," Dib sighed, standing up and brushing off. "I'll go, and I'll take… Gir… with me."

Zita looked expectantly at Zim, but the alien hesitated. Why? You don't actually WANT him to stay, do you? Of course not. Are you afraid of him keeping Gir? Absolutely not… that robot will drive him mad if he even attempts to utilize it. But what if it's starting to function properly? What if he fixes it? He won't… you're not sure, but that's really not what you're worried about, is it? You want him to stay. Dib, you plead with your eyes… the ones he can't see… don't leave…

Dib made a noise of disgust in response to the alien's silence. "I'll have him back by morning."

With that the human male left, taking the little robot with him. Zim's voice hitched, "Dib…"

"Don't worry about him," Zita pawed her boyfriend playfully. "Gir can take care of himself, and you'll rest better without them here."

"Zi…"

"You're weak, you need to lie down. The couch is fine for now, I'm not sure how to get to your room anyway."

"Neither am I…" Zim said under his breath. He sulked towards the couch, stopping to run a hand along the cushion before boosting himself up. He heard rustling in the kitchen, and glanced toward the front door. Why was this bugging him so much? He shook his head. It wasn't. It just wasn't. He laid down, resting his head on the arm of the couch, and closed his eyes.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: I tried to spoil my readers with a decent-length chapter. Not only did it turn out almost three times as long as my usual ones, but it's rediculously slow and almost meaningless. I'm not having writer's block I just lost the initial drive to complete the story. The Zim/Zita relationship wasn't supposed to become this in-depth XD  
Also, I can't remember which chapter it was in but Zim told Dib he had been with Zita 'after Halloween last year' but I did some figuring and the halloween episode came before the Tak / Valentine's Day episode, and then AFTER that there was the Christmas episode, which means there would have been a second halloween between the two. I know it's a cartoon but Dib had Tak's ship in The Most Horrible Xmas Ever, and not in Halloween Spectacular of Spooky Doom, so to be chronolgically correct, Zim and Zita would have been together about two years prior to this fic. Instead of going back and fixing it, I include this lengthy description ;

* * *

When Zim opened his eyes again, it was to a squeaky female voice cooing his pet name. The first thing he saw was her face, then he comprehended the small white hat and she was wearing. It had a big red sign on the front that resembled something he leaned about in math class. He looked down to discover she was wearing the dress, which seemed shorter now than before… but that could have been because she was kneeling over him. She had on cute, white boots to match, and something around her neck. "What is that…?"

She giggled, "it's a stethoscope, silly," she leaned in and pressed the metal circle to his chest, "doctors use it to listen to your heart."

Heart. Did Zim have one of those? Physically or figuratively? The alien laughed nervously as his girlfriend moved the top piece from her neck to her ears, then swatted it away and announced, "Zim's heart is healthy as any normal human being."

Zita smiled crookedly and put the… stethoscope… back around her neck. "Normal human beings don't tend to have healthy hearts these days…" she grinned and added. "Besides, it's fake! I just got it to accompany my nurse's outfit."

"Ha, ha, ha…" the laugh was clearly forced, "Of course you did, Z. Hey! Our anniversary is coming up soon you know."

"Yeah," Zita reached for a bottle she'd placed on the table, "in like two months."

Zim watched curiously as she poured its contents into a small cup with lines and numbers on it. Weren't those anniversary things supposed to mean a lot to humans? Maybe she was still bitter because he refused to do anything physical last time… in retrospect, maybe he should have made an exception, but even the idea that he'd been with her for a year meant he'd spent another three hundred and sixty five days on earth. Soon now, it would be seven hundred and thirty. "It will end of our second year as a couple."

She offered him a smile that he could tell wasn't all genuine. "So it will. Drink this."

He folded his lips in and glared at the liquid she was offering him. He turned his head to the side as she persisted, and eventually slapped the cup out of her hand. "Zim does not trust liquids, remember?"

Zita sat back and sighed, "it was more of a syrup than a liquid."

There was silence between them then, and Zim knew something was wrong. She came all this way to care for him, even bought a new outfit for the occasion, and now she wasn't trying to shove all kinds of things in his mouth or even scolding him for 'not wanting to feel better.'

Zim stuck his tongue out in distaste. He was getting to know way too much about humans… too much that wasn't of any use to him, at least.

"Hey," Zita had leaned in close, and Zim pulled his tongue into his mouth defensively. She continued, "I know what I want for an anniversary present."

Zim didn't like the sound of that… it reminded him of ten months ago, only this time she had more confidence. He replied meekly, "what would that be, dear?"

She leaned in and ran a hand through his hair. It felt weird in her fingers but she had learned long ago that there were a few spots she merely had to touch to make him shiver. Of course, what she didn't know was she was hitting his antennae beneath the wig. He arched his back slightly as she grazed the left one, and gently tugged her hand away. He was about to repeat her name when she said simply, "the same thing I wanted last year."

"Last year, I got you that cute little jacket with bunny ears on the hood," Zim recalled fondly, then his expression faltered, "which you never wear."

She sat back dejectedly and ran her hand over his stomach. Weird… it was firmer than she'd expected. "I like the cooler weather…" what a lame response; but she was distracted now. What had he said about his weight gain? It will be better in two months? Four months?

"Three months," Zim said absentmindedly. That's right. Wait, did he know what she was thinking? "That's the total amount of time we've gone without speaking to one another."

"Three months in two years isn't bad…" Zita replied slowly. "Is it?"

"Well it wasn't all times we were arguing," Zim said with a smile. "In fact, I think we've really only gotten into two or three big arguments."

"Didn't we break up for like two weeks once?" Zita asked thoughtfully.

"In the beginning," Zim replied distastefully. "You were jealous because I was … I was…"

"Flirting with Tak?" Zita said irritably.

"Yes! …Wait, no! You _thought_ I was… but I was really just …"

"Don't worry about it," Zita smiled and leaned in close once more. "It was almost two years ago."

So it was. What Zita didn't know was that Tak had returned at one point within those two years -- only this time with full intent on staying with Zim and assisting him in his mission… or so she said. Really she had intended on taking him captive and conquering the planet on her own. She had come on to him then, mostly to get him to let his guard down, but he refused with two solid reasons. One was 'normal Irkens don't interact with each other this way', and the other was 'an invader needs help from no one!'.

"Zim?" his recollection was cut short by a squeaky voice in the present.

"Zim is very tired…" he said, suddenly wanting nothing more than to be rid of her… but why? There had to be some reason he'd stayed in this relationship this long, why now did he want her gone? It had to be temporary… the pregnancy was messing with his head. Yes, of course, that was it. He was sick. Not… what did the humans call it… guilty? No, he didn't feel guilty. He didn't care about her that much.

What about him? Zim could have shot himself with his laser gun for thinking such a thought, but… really… something was bugging him and it wasn't Zita. It was… Dib. The alien cursed through his teeth. At some point, the girl had laid atop him and closed her eyes, but she wasn't sleeping. She hummed to herself a moment, then opened her eyes and looked at him. "Why was Dib here?"

"Eh? Oh… the Dib was an uninvited guest, I assure you."

"But you're reluctant even to let me in your house… why would you let in a sworn enemy?"

"Zim is weak, the Dib refused to leave and I could not use force on him."

"Why not have your robot dog do it?"

"Gir is practically useless when it comes to doing what I ask of him."

"You don't seem as sick now as you did on the phone."

"Other than the puking fits subsiding, I'm really not much better."

Zita sighed, "maybe I should go… you need to rest."

Zim nodded, then wrapped his arms around her for effect. She was getting taller, and he was still just tiny little Zim. Certainly she'd give up on him soon enough. It hurt him a little to think about it, but really… it had to be the damage to his ego - he was hurt because of the reason she would leave. There was no emotional attachment to be severed… was there? Of course not… just earlier he said he'd kill his own offspring without a second thought - and once he conquered Earth, he'd have to kill Zita anyway, so he'd kill her in the arms of someone else.

"Thank you for leaving your family to care for Zim," the alien said as sincerely as he could. Zita smiled, then leaned in, paused, and kissed his cheek with a reluctant smile. Sighing inwardly, Zim put a hand on the back of her head, and leaned up to kiss her the way she really wanted. Maybe he had developed a soft spot for her… who knew? What he did know was that he didn't love her.

The kiss lasted longer than he'd intended, and the girl had slipped a hand under his shirt. Her confusion returned as she pressed against his stomach, but Zim made a sickly noise and pushed her hand away. She opened her eyes slowly and sat back on his legs. "It wasn't a hard decision… I don't really get along with that side of my family and your parents don't seem like they know how to take care of you."

Parents? Oh, the robots. "They are quite clueless," Zim offered, wondering why she lied about her own family. Other than being apart from him for awhile, she'd seemed really excited whenever she talked about her trip. Maybe she was more attached to him than he thought. That was bad.

"Well, I guess I should get going…" she said slowly, obviously hinting for him to say she could stay. While part of him knew it was rude to cast her aside after all she'd gone through to get there, the invader part of him knew what was best - and giving into emotions would surely jeopardize the mission.

"I'm… sorry," he hoped it didn't sound as forced as it felt. "I'll call you tomorrow."

"Don't bother…" her tone was sharp, "I'll probably be in trouble for leaving the reunion."

He watched her gather her things irritably and head for the front door. Meekly, he offered, "then I'll see you in school?"

"You shouldn't come back 'til you're better," she opened the door, then sighed heavily. It's not his fault… he told you he was going to rest and you came over anyway. What did you expect? "I'll get your homework for you and drop it off every day."

"Get Zim's notebook from his locker," the alien spoke before he knew what he was saying, "and bring yours each day, so Zim can copy the notes from that day."

Zita smiled, knowing that was his way of ensuring they could spend at least some time together. She nodded, "okay," then blew a kiss, "bye, Zimmy."

He held a claw in the air and motioned as though to catch it, then blew one back to her. It was an odd ritual she'd taught him when they first started going out… a subtle way to show affection when they were around others. "Bye, Z."


	12. Chapter 12

"What do you mean you don't know how to get home?!" Dib shrieked. He and Gir had wandered into the city and gotten themselves lost, and he'd just learned that Gir possessed no sense of direction.

Gir pointed to a taxi, "if you take one of those things you'll end up in Mexico."

Dib smacked his palm to his forehead. "That doesn't help us at all! I didn't want to bring you home but I never would have come this far if I knew you didn't have a guidance system!"

"Oh, I do… or I did… but I lost it."

Dib groaned. If Zim wasn't so annoying (or lacking in common sense) himself, the boy would wonder how the alien put up with this thing. "Can't you call your Master?"

Gir thought about this, then replied, "he's sick."

Dib sighed. That was true… sort of… and he doubted Zim would be able to navigate them home anyway. He might have some technology to lock in on their location, but then he'd have to bring the guidance chip to them and Dib doubted he'd be willing to do that either.

His stomach rumbled and he sighed. "Well, as long as we're here, why don't we get something to eat, huh?"

"I WANT PIZZA!" Gir waved his arms frantically. "With anchovies!"

Dib grimaced and checked his wallet. "You can have anchovies…"

"And pineapple?" Gir tugged on the boy's trench coat. "And sausage, and mushrooms, and lots of cheese…"

Five toppings? Dib sighed. That was going to burn a hole in his allowance. "Sure… and maybe someone can point us in the direction home."

He didn't really believe that. Nobody in their city seemed to know the back of their own hand, never mind how to get back to the tiny part of town he and Zim lived in.

Come to think of it, he didn't even know where there was a pizza place around here.

-

Zim suddenly realized that the Tallest never told him where the vessels come from. Not wanting to bother them again so soon, he did a search in his Pak and discovered something that made him grin. For whatever reason, he wanted to tell Dib. He retrieved the transmitter from his Pak and demanded, "Gir! Gir, where are you?"

Silence. Zim growled and retracted the transmitter. He was probably at the Dib's house… that place was so full of sciencey stuff that it must be interfering with the signal. Zim decided to do more research and hope Gir would call back.

-

"I'm sorry sir, could you repeat the first part of your order?"

Dib sighed, "a large extra cheese pizza with anchovies, sausage, mushroom, and… will you quit tugging on my trench coat!"

Gir's doggy ears fell flat to his head and he held up a small slip of paper sheepishly. Dib sighed and took it, then realized why the robot had been bugging him. The human had warned him not to talk in front of other humans, since real dogs couldn't do that (but couldn't they?), so he could only whine and pester to get the boy's attention.

"I didn't know you had a coupon," he said to Gir, handing it to the cashier. Gir just smiled.

"Sir, this is good for five toppings," the teen said disinterestedly, "you only specified four."

"I did?" Dib looked to Gir, "what was that fifth thing?"

Gir motioned his paws in the outline of what he wanted. It took a minute, but the boy remembered.

"Pineapple."

The teen shuddered, "one large extra cheese, anchovies, sausage, mushroom, and pineapple?"

"Right… and a small pepperoni."

"You have to pay for that one… but your coupon includes a drink."

Gir squealed and ran to the cooler to fetch his drink. Dib didn't get it. A free large five topping _and_ a drink? Where did the robot come up with this stuff?

Robot. He probably printed it himself. Which means Dib was in big trouble if they found out. He sighed and paid for his pizza, then went to sit down at a booth while they waited.

-

Zim jumped and retrieved his transmitter. He hadn't actually expected the robot to contact him.

"You called, Master?"

"Gir! Why didn't you answer."

"Me and the big-head boy's getting' pizza! He told me not to talk in front of people."

"Since when do you do what you're told?'

"He said if I talked then we'd have to leave without getting the pizza."

Blackmail. The Dib knew how to work the minion better than he did! "Where are you now?"

"Outside the pizza place, the big-head boy's inside waitin' for the food."

Since when did he speak in such coherent sentences? "Does he know where you are?"

A pause, then meekly, "no…"

"Well go back inside and get him, then call back AFTER you eat your pizza."

"Yes, sir!"

-

"Gir! Where did you go?"

The robot opened his mouth to answer, then slammed it shut and pointed to the door. He then proceeded to drink his can of Classic Poop. Dib sighed, then went to the counter to retrieve their order.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: It took me so many tries to upload this today. Also, while reading over it, I've noticed a horrible inconsistency in character behaviour. I hope I'm not disappointing the few readers I had..

* * *

Zim sighed. It was so quiet and uneventful without Gir around. He'd taken advantage of the peace and quiet by doing research and tampering with a few minor projects. He found that when he was relaxed it was a lot easier to focus and complete what he was doing. Unfortunately, he was starting to get nauseous again.

He retrieved his transmitter upon receiving a signal. "Gir, it that you?"

"Yes, Master. Can I find my way home now?"

The robot had called earlier to announce that he'd finished eating, but Dib wasn't ready to go yet. Zim had informed him during the call that he was working on a way to get them back to the base from wherever they were.

"Whether or not you CAN is up to you, Gir. I've locked onto your exact coordinates and installed your guidance chip into my Pak. By connecting my Pak to the base's computer, I should be able to transmit the information to you electronically."

Zim worked on his computer as he spoke, then paused and watched the screen. Previously, it had displayed a vague map with a little Irken symbol near the top, slightly right of the center. Now, a window appeared bottom right, taking up about ¼ of the screen. It was tinted red and simulated moving through the city rapidly, locking onto the base with large brackets and a blinking label atop it declaring "HOME". The video cycled repeatedly, and Zim spoke into the transmitter. "Let me know when you receive the information, Gir."

"Yes, sir!"

"Good. Now, Dib-worm, can you hear me?"

Dib scowled. He wasn't ready to talk to Zim yet. Sure it was immature, but he was, what, twelve?

Twelve and about to be a father. He sighed and mumbled, "yes, Zim."

"Good. I want you to return to the base with Gir to ensure his safe arrival."

"It's getting late, Zim… I have to go to school tomorrow."

"So does Zim," the alien suddenly felt very sick, "excuse me."

Dib turned away from the screen Gir was projecting, suddenly thankful that they were in an alley where no one else could see the transmission. He still wanted the alien's identity to be revealed, but he didn't want any autopsies done while he was pregnant… at least, not with his baby.

When the sounds of Zim's illness ceased, the human sighed, "you're really in no condition to go to class, Zim."

"I thought you humans called this Morning Sickness?"

"We do… not sure why though. It can happen at any point during the day."

"So I've noticed. By the way, I have news for you!"

"More news? I already found out you're carrying my child _and_ you've been in a relationship for two years…"

"One year, and ten months," the alien corrected. He hated the way humans cut corners with things.

"Whatever. I don't know how much more news I can take."

"Sir, download of guidance system simulation from current location to home base is complete."

"Good job, Gir. Now, take the Dib and return to the base with the both of you in one piece."

"But Master, I don't have any paste."

Zim paused. "Why do you need paste?"

"Well how else am I gonna get me and the big-head boy into one piece?"

The alien smacked a claw to his forehead. "That's not what I meant, Gir! I meant don't destroy yourself or the Dib-human. Make sure the both of you return with all your normal parts intact."

"Oh… well why didn't you say so?"

"Just get back to the base, Gir!"

"Right away, sir!"

Zim retracted the transmitter into his Pak, making a note to find out why Gir behaved better around Dib. He rubbed his stomach thoughtfully. This was turning out to have more potential advantages than complications. At any rate, he decided to make the most of these last few moments of peace.

Approaching screams followed by a sudden crash signaled the robot's arrival… most likely via jetpack with the human clinging to him for dear life. Zim sighed and cleaned up what he was doing, then took the nearest elevator to the ground floor. The sight of a very shaken Dib brought a smile to the Irken's face, and he couldn't help but laugh. It was amusing, and it meant Gir didn't _completely_ behave for him.

"Enjoy the ride over, Dib-human?"

Dib rubbed his forehead, presumably having hit the door face-first. It reminded him of the first day Zim had come to their school… when he chased the alien home trying to capture him with Sleep Cuffs.

"It wouldn't be my first choice for transportation," Dib replied. Truthfully, Zim agreed. "You had to tell me something?"

"Yes! Zim made an important discovery! It's about our child."

"Did you figure out what gender it is?"

Zim's antennae fell back. He hadn't thought to check that. "No… do you want me to?"

What was he saying? He didn't answer to the human's requests! Dib shrugged. "Guess it doesn't matter… we can't buy clothes for it until we know how big it is… at this rate we'll have to get the smallest stuff we can find."

Zim blushed, "Zim's smeet is not going to be small!"

"It will if you don't start eating! And stop calling it your smeet, it's mine too which makes it half human."

Zim scowled, "well I'm not calling it a baby."

Gir poked Zim's stomach and squeals, "it's a smeeby!"

The parents-to-be looked quizzically at the robot dog, then looked at each other and shrugged.

"Fine," Zim said, "no matter what we call it, the subtle change in my appearance is nothing to worry about. You see, Dib, Irken vessels start out as eggs!"

"Eggs?" Dib raised an eyebrow. "But humans aren't born that way…"

"Apparently, Irkens are," Zim printed a couple papers from his Pak and handed them to Dib, "and I am the one carrying the… smeeby."

"What's this?" Dib asked, taking the hardcopies.

"A collection of information I discovered while researching interspecies relationships. According to all records of an Irken producing offspring after committing Xenophilia…"

"Resulted in the Irken committing suicide…"


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: Yes I know I'm interrupting a cliffhanger but I had to mention, my previous chapter had 1,111 words! Okay, including the words in my note, but still... I didn't even do it on purpose! That takes skill.

Zim's eyes grew wide and he snatched the papers from the human. At first Dib was mad, then wondered what was bringing a tint to otherwise pale green cheeks.

"That's not where I was going with that…" Zim ripped the papers in half twice and tossed them aside. Maybe this was good. If the human suspected Zim feared going insane, he'd be more likely to believe an act of hospitality. "The children were born with features of both parents, but always in the manner of whichever race served as the carrier."

"So if you got a human pregnant, she would still give birth normally?"

"Eh? Sure, but… what are you insinuating, Dib-worm?"

"Nothing! I was just making sure I understood."

"Yes, well… Zim is much more relieved to be laying an egg as opposed to birthing a whole child."

Dib laughed, "I can imagine. Hey, was there any record of what features the children inherited?"

"Of course not," Zim seemed offended. "The children are a disgrace to the Irken Empire! Why would we devote a portion of our database to their existence, much less waste precious time analyzing their physical and behavioral traits?"

Dib supposed that made sense. He considered asking if there was any record of dominant or recessive traits in Irken smeets, but that was probably insignificant as well. Then again, the eggs for those vessels had to come from somewhere, which lead him to suspect they were the result of 'illegal' mating, or some other form of combining DNA from the worthiest Irkens in order to create superior children. Even if that were the case, any list of desirable traits and/or how to acquire them would likely be inaccessible to a lesser Irken such as Zim.

"Wait, isn't your personality all inside your Pak?"

"Yeah, what's your point?"

"Well the pre-programmed Pak is fused to the vessel at birth. That means the Irken half of what's inside of you now is purely vessel. If our… smeeby… needs a Pak to survive…"

"Zim has already ordered a Pak customized for half-Irken, half-human offspring."

"But… interspecies mating is illegal! Why would they make Paks for that?"

"There's a beautiful thing you humans refer to as the Black Market, Dib-stink. Zim has access to all kinds of neat things this way! Or, he would… if he had more monies. Fortunately, they require payments in the currency of the race each item is customized for."

"So you paid half with your funds and expect me to cover the other half in Earth currency?"

Zim's antennae perked up. He was just going to pay the whole thing using some Earth monies he'd been saving to appear more normal, but he liked the Dib's idea better. "Would you?"

Dib sighed. The child _was _half his responsibility. "How much is it?"

"I dunno. I told them it was urgent and just send the bill with the Pak."

"They're sending it to you before you pay?… and they _trust_ you?!"

"I have a perfect payment record! Besides, if they don't receive their monies in a certain timeframe, they notify higher authority."

"In your case, the Tallest."

"I don't like going behind the backs of my leaders, but they just seem determined to make this mission as difficult as possible. They won't give me anything I ask for, and one time they gave me a ship that wouldn't obey my commands!"

"Maybe they're punishing you for something," there was no doubt in Dib's mind that the little alien had done something (or many things) to get on their bad side. The way Zim tensed up probably meant he was right. "Look, Zim, it's getting late, and we still have two and a half months to worry about this."

"The egg will come early."

Dib stopped on his way to the door and considered this. It made sense, no use in producing an egg with a full-grown fetus inside of it. "How early?"

"It should spend about 90 percent of its time in my body, and 10 percent as an egg separate from me."

That didn't make any sense… but then again, neither did Xenophilia, or male pregnancy. "In about two months then."

"Yes… in two m…" Zim's antennae fell flat. "How often are human births on time?"

"Well, it's hard to say. Not many people can tell the exact day they got pregnant."

"How can they not tell?!"

Dib blushed lightly and turned away. "Look, Zim. From what I've seen, babies are usually born within a week of their expected date."

"Is there anything that can alter the process?"

"Well there's no way that I know of to lengthen the term… I can't imagine why anyone would want to… but there are a few methods that supposedly make the baby come sooner."

"Like what! Tell Zim…"

"Well, excluding medical ways to induce labor, you can try walking a lot, especially on un-level surfaces… and there's supposedly some kind of tea that's proven to work… but Zim…"

"I'll walk to and from school instead of taking the bus. Is the tea hard to find?"

"Zim, listen to me! You could endanger the baby's…"

"Smeeby."

"…_smeeby's_ life… you should only try to induce labor if the pregnancy is running longer than expected. Why do you…"

"What is the third thing?"

"…what third thing?"

"You told Zim there are a few methods; 'a few' means three… you only listed two."

"It's a figure of speech, Zim, there's…"

"There has to be at least one other thing! Why do you not tell Zim?"

"Well it's not like it matters, you won't do it anyway!"

"Zim wishes to know his options so he can make his own decisions."

Dib growled. He hated when the alien spoke in the third person. He looked down and mumbled his response. This was met with silence, and he looked up to see the other watching him impatiently. Assuming he wasn't heard at all the first time, he sighed heavily. "Mating."

"Come again?"

"Mating," Dib repeated. "I don't know why exactly… but…"


End file.
